Maintaining Self-Care in Relationships

Although most of us want to enjoy naturally loving, collaborative and supportive relationships, unfortunately, there may be times in life when one or more of our relationships aren’t going smoothly, which causes ongoing stress and confusion.

Why Self-Care Matters in Relationships

As part of our adult relationships, it is important that when we give, it’s generally reciprocal, and is balanced with self-care, discernment and boundaries. This helps to keep us safe and balanced, so we avoid giving away our power, time, energy and resources to our detriment.

Most people’s lives are so fast paced and demanding these days, that it can be easy to get caught up in our day-to-day life and lose track of ourselves and our own needs along the way.

The Importance of Balance and Reciprocity

Unfortunately, societal expectations can sometimes lead people to prioritise nurturing others and can feel encouraged to sacrifice their own needs in the process. In my own experience, I feel this is the case for women in particular.

It can be difficult to find the right balance between being selfish and selfless at times. An essential balancing point for that spectrum is self-care. When we exercise self-care and make it a priority, we have more choice and flexibility around giving, and it comes from a full cup, rather than an empty one.

When we are appreciated for what we give, it usually feels good and recharges us, rather than draining us. Having a good balance in our giving also involves the ability to receive, as this is part of the natural cycle of life, which feeds our hearts and sense of self-worth.

When It’s hard to Say No

There are many more subtle ways we can give away our personal power in relationships, without being aware of the cumulative impact over time.

I’ve found that a common area of difficulty for a lot of people is a tendency to avoid saying no. It’s not always easy to be clear about our own needs and boundaries, especially when we are involved in drama and conflict, or we simply want to avoid potentially upsetting someone or letting them down.

Not only can it be difficult to identify our own needs and communicate this effectively to those around us, but sometimes, despite our best efforts, we maybe misunderstood. Our needs and views are not always accepted and respected by everyone. There are many different types of people on the planet and not everyone takes responsibility for themselves. Not everyone has the awareness or empathy to understand the impact they have on others, or has the capacity and desire to compromise or change.

Encountering others who don’t necessarily share our values, worldview or have the same capacity for emotional intelligence can be challenging to manage at times. We may need to navigate our differences frequently in our communications with relatives, colleagues and partners.

Relationships with people who display narcissistic traits, for example, can have a particularly toxic impact on us and can create blocks to meeting our own needs and experiencing happiness in life. When someone demands our attention for example and this doesn’t feel respectful, genuine, or reasonable, that person is usually demanding our energy, time and resources as their right, which triggers a stress response in us. We usually feel this in our gut, as our intuition is trying to grab our attention.

This is a completely different energy than when we experience the natural flow of love and sharing within a relationship, with someone who has our own best interests at heart and who is generally reciprocal.

Understanding Guilt and Emotional Responsibility

Sometimes, we give away our power in relationships just by not having enough awareness of the control dynamics in a relationship.

A common example is when people in our lives ‘make us’ feel guilty through emotional manipulation to get their own needs met. This can be a conscious, or unconscious ploy, so will ‘give in’ to their needs rather than focusing on our own. This type of guilt is not healthy because we haven’t done anything ‘wrong’ and our conscience doesn’t need addressing. This type of guilt is usually a sign that we are feeling overly responsible for that person, and it may be more appropriate for us to delegate tasks that aren’t actually our responsibility.

Feelings of guilt can also be triggered internally and not in response to other people’s expectations of us. A common theme I’ve noticed is the fear of being ‘selfish’. This can result in putting the needs of others first, to avoid the feeling of intense guilt which trigger when we want to attend to their own needs, or say no.

Building Healthier Relationship Habits

If you relate to these themes, when you start to feel that familiar sense of guilt ask yourself:

• Which type of guilt is this?
• Have I genuinely done something wrong and need to rectify the situation in some way, or am I taking responsibility for someone else’s needs or feelings?
• Is the feeling of guilt being triggered by my own expectations, from another person, or both?

It is important to be as kind as we can be with ourselves when we are trying to make changes in our relationships or our own behaviours. If you recognise that you don’t feel comfortable saying no, for example, it’s important to recognise that this is outside your comfort zone and it won’t necessarily feel safe and natural for you initially.

When we are trying to make changes to our habits, it’s important to feel safe and choose actions that we know are the most likely to give us a sense of having been successful in our attempts. We can then build up over time to include more difficult tasks.

It’s important to set realistic and manageable goals and use self-compassion while we’re practising new ways of being, too. We may also need additional support and encouragement to navigate any uncomfortable feelings, such as guilt, while practising any new skills. Once we’ve found what works and is most helpful for us, we need to repeat small steps or practices often. This is soothes become more familiar and natural, as part of a process of building new positive habits. This is also how we build greater confidence over time.

If you recognise that relationship patterns and imbalanced, unhealthy or toxic relationships are a theme for you, and you would like support moving through difficult relationship dynamics, or you would like to change your own patterns in this area, you can find out how I work here.